Baby Shoes
by Love's to blame
Summary: Rose reflects on the time she spent with the one person she always wanted to meet but never got the chance to really know.


_Dear baby,_

_First off I would like to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect. And I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. Everyone has told me that it wasn't my fault, that it was something I had no control over it. Although I don't believe them, I'm going to try to stop blaming myself. But__one thing__that I think I'm allowed to feel guilty over is the fact that I never gave you a name. Your father and I were to preoccupied with helping you fight for your life that we never took the time to decide upon a name. And then you died and I was to grief-stricken to come up with one. So they buried you nameless...and nameless you shall remain. _

_Baby, I know that I would say that I would stop blaming myself but I can't. I'm sorry, it's all my fault even though I didn't force that drunk to get behind the wheel of his car and hit us. I blame myself because I was so selfish, I couldn't wait to meet you, I wanted it to happen as soon as possible. I guess I should have been more careful with what I wished for. _

_Baby, it pains me to wake up every day to a world where you don't live. The only time I can have you in is in my dreams. Do you know what's it like for me to go to sleep without be able to tuck you in, and then live in this alternate universe where I hold you throughout the night, only to wake up and realize that I can't kiss you awake? I can imagine you feel the same way just in reverse. _

_I wonder if you ever cry for me. Do you ever wait for me to come to you, only to be disappointed when you remember that I can't? Do you remember how I used to talk to you and tell you secrets of the life I dreamed for you? Do you even remember me? Are you being a good little baby for God and his angels? _

_I love you baby, don't ever forget that, I know I won't, _

_Mommy_

I brushed my tears away and closed the journal that my therapist recommended I start writing in. She told me I could write anything: what I did during the day, my thoughts, anything I wanted. And I chose to write letters to my dead child, even though I thought it was too soon to try to heal. It's only been a few weeks since my baby died and almost a year since I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't even going to do the assignment but that all changed a few minutes ago.

I look up from the closed book and stare at the babies shoes that lay on the table in front of me. On a notepad next to them were six words: For Sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.

I couldn't keep the constant reminder around anymore. It was too painful. When I got back from the hospital, after my mental breakdown, the nursery was gone. It was an empty white room once again. The only thing I had to let me know that I didn't imagine my baby were the tiny shoes I brought for it the day I found out I was pregnant. With all the chaos that has surrounded us lately, I doubt Emmett even remembers them. But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get them out of my mind.

And I couldn't just throw them away. I thought they should at least be worn by a child even if I t wasn't mine. So I began to write a for sale ad to post in the classifieds.

But as I said before, it was too soon to start the healing process. The first time I read the story "Baby Shoes" by Ernest Hemingway, I wanted to cry for the fictional couple that the story was about. Now I see those six words that say so much and I cry because that is now the story of my life. And I just wonder how the hell did I get here? Why me lord, why me? What did I do wrong?

The questions were endless: Why did God hate me? Was I just not meant to be a mother? Why was life ruined just as I was about to get everything I ever wanted?

I picked up the plain, white baby shoes and held them up by the knot that that tied their shoe strings together. They dangled above the table and as they swung back and forth my mind drifted back to a happier time, when I first saw them.

_*Flashback*_

_I couldn't stop touching my stomach. Every time I took my hand away from my lower abdomen, it would find its way back there five seconds later. I was giddy, I was happy and I was most likely glowing. It was as though I was the first person to ever carry another life. Everything was new and exciting; nothing could have brought me down, not even morning sickness._

_I hadn't told a soul about my pregnancy yet, I was waiting for Emmett's reaction to the news. We were just entering out third year of marriage and a baby wasn't something we had discussed. Sure, we both wanted children but was now the right time?_

_As though it was a sign, I just so happened to be walking past a baby store as I contemplated this. I was walking the familiar streets of Seattle, just exploring the city as I did almost every early spring afternoon. Many times, I've passed this same block but never before have I noticed this store. Time stopped as I stared into the window. _

_I had to but something, it didn't matter what. I knew my pregnancy was never going to feel 'real' until I brought my first item of clothing for the baby. With a huge smile on my face, I entered the store to be greeted by a shop clerk who gave me a 'knowing' look, she must have seen the same smile I had on so many other faces each day. _

_I blushed in a very un-Rosalie like manner and looked around the store. My eyes landed on the shoe section and that was it. I knew I had to buy a pair of the tiniest shoes I've ever seen. And since I didn't believe in uni-sex colors, I went with a safe white._

_As I paid for the baby booties, I couldn't stop imagining the child that would one day wear them. When I left the shop, my hand was on my stomach once more as I silently talked to my unborn child._

_*End Flashback*_

I put the baby shoes back on the table. Maybe I'll keep them for just a little longer. I wasn't quite ready to let them go…not just yet.


End file.
